Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Just Another Phase

I have probably written about it somewhere sometime on my blog already. Everyone has. It is one of those favorite blogger topics. About the phases of life. I probably have written about it multiple times. Coz I used to be such a cliché blogger that I got a bit fed up of my own blog. Like someone somewhere said, that if I were some else, I wouldn't read me. No, not all the posts, really, I am quite the narcissist at times. But a lot of it. Like the ones where I have celebrated the birthday of my own blog. Ugh, that's lame really, corny even. Its almost equivalent to having a funeral for your iPhone. 

Yeah you guessed it right, I am a bit disillusioned. Pardon my skepticism and sarcasm, my sincere apologies if you expected a blog post celebrating my comeback. Nah, not the Merlin you knew. But what the heck, its a phase. Like all others, maybe it will pass, maybe it will get worse, maybe you won't like me anymore, but it doesn't matter, I call the new avatar I-don't-really-care. To tell you the truth, that is the formal name, the actual one starts with I-don't-... but what follows is something I choose not to publish.

So I have changed my views about blogging. Like I have been changing most things about my life. Cities, countries, professions, companies, girlfriends, friends... whoa.. I saw your eyebrow go up at girlfriend, and I noticed the look of exasperation when you read friends. Go ahead, judge me if you will. Oh yes, I change friends... like... all the time. Not all of them, but most of them. I can give you excuses like "I have never lived in any city for long" (lots of cliché posts about that one as well), "I have a traveling job", "All my friends have traveling jobs", "I don't live in my own country", "I have expat friends who move out" etc etc. but those would be only partially true. I don't know the real reason. It's not really that I don't keep in touch, coz I actually am over enthusiastic about that part. I am the most active facebooker, gtalker, skyper, probably a pest for some. I give calls in the middle of the night after 4 years of no contact and talk like we have talked everyday for the last 4 years. And yet, my friends change. I thought that is what everyone did, change friends... till FB happened. And then I see all my school friends hanging out together, engineering college friends vacationing together, and business school friends getting married in groups.

And I wonder, how I have never stuck around, I have changed gangs in the transition from school to engineering college, engineering college to first job, first job to business school, business school to Bangalore job group to Stockholm job group, to the current sets of friends which form my circle of "Indian Friends", "Expat Friends" and "Ph.D. Friends". And although I keep in touch with all the older gangs, my hang-out, vacationing, partying and weekend crashing is always with the "current" gang. Is that something that happens often, or am I weird? And what about the million something people I liked or who liked me, who still "faded" away? Does that happen to everyone?

Anyway, I digress. Point is that I live in phases. We all do. For some the phases are more clearly marked out than others. I have written about mine here and probably more places on this blog, and mine have been clearly marked. Each phase has lasted around 2-3 years. This one has been the longest, it will be 5 years in Sweden soon (I know! What the heck have I been doing in one city/country for so long!). And so, soon I will get restless, I have started getting restless already. I talk about how the battles won fail to quench my thirst here (highly recommended self advertising link). I am bored of finding excitement in signing multimillion dollar contracts, stacking up money for my old age and getting promotions at my work. I fill up my life with trying to get a sixpack body, a swedish drivers license, a Ph.D. in a record time line, beating the 50 something guys who hate me being so young, and becoming the best player at volleyball in my team but nothing seems to quench the thirst.

Point is, I am restless. Point is that all this stuff fills up my life, but it doesn't float my boat. Point is I feel restricted, held back, restrained. I feel like changing my country, my profession, my social circles and my life. So the question is, what is going to happen next? Answer is: I dont know ;)

Oh and I do need to write about what's been happening in my life lately. I might also stop being anonymous and publish pictures of me. Darn, I am so narcissistic, how did I manage being anonymous for so long?!

Pic: Me at Öland, Sweden

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