I go back and think about all that I have wanted from life and from myself. The teenybopper-dom, the wild crazy “single” philandering lifestyle, the smartass arrogant business school phase, the corporate hoopla, the travel backpacking roaming-the-world nomad life, and I wonder how lucky I have been. And I wonder why I am still not satisfied. It’s like drinking a lot of water and still feeling terribly thirsty. Its like looking at a blurry image, its like wanting something and yet not knowing what you want. It is difficult to explain. And I feel I am not the only one on this ship. There are more of me. And we are all equally, utterly, profoundly confused.
In my thirst which refuses to be quenched, in the destination-less journey, I sometimes feel guilty. Guilty because somewhere deep inside I know I have been lucky. Lucky to have had the right opportunities, lucky to have had the right platform, lucky to have had the right people in my life who pushed or pulled me in the right directions. Lucky not to be born on the pavement, lucky not to have been abducted by the beggar mafia as a kid. I have seen people who forget their roots, I am not one of them. And yet, amidst it all I still feel I am thirsty. And guilty. Guilty for not being satisfied in spite of all that I have been blessed with. Guilty for having had everything I wished for. Guilty for not knowing what I actually want in the end, guilty about wondering if there is an end at all. I take some solace in the fact that I am not alone, but it doesn’t take away the feeling of guilt, even if I am in the midst of more of the guilty breed.
Oh and btw, yes I am back in blogosphere. Don’t ask me the questions about why I have been away, it will take me too long to answer them, and the answers won’t satisfy you anyway. So let it be. I have made a slow transition back to the blogging world. And I can tell you that it has not been easy. And yes, I know it has been more than a year, and yes, I am kinda trying to play it down.
I also know that this is a horrible rant, and rants are the worst way to start. But then thoughtful posts what brings us back to the blogging world. So let me just rejoice in the warm feeling of being back where I belong. :)