I am at the cross roads. Did I hear some one sigh and whisper “not again”? Well, ok, I admit, yes, yet again. It’s not my fault you know, I try choosing the straight roads with minimum intersections, but damnit, I always end up with ones with the maximum. But what the hell, if that is what destiny has in store for me, so be it.There have been so many of those in recent years that I have almost come to a point where I shy away from decisions. I try procrastinating to the extent possible. Till the point when I really cant run away anymore. I wasn’t always like this, but there is a limit to which a guy can make random gut-based decisions in his life. Phew! Believe me I have had my share. But it just keeps piling on like there is no tomorrow.
So here it is once again. After innumerable promises to my family, my friends and most of all to MBF and myself, of returning back to India for good, here I am rethinking it all over again. I can see the despair in everyones eyes as I say this, but I hope they can see the angst in mine. Its not easy you know. To keep hopping… mind you, not just cities, but from life to life. (More of this HERE, HERE and HERE, seems to be my fave topic on this blog). Whether I like it or not, Stockholm, yes the Stockholm you see in the picture above, is the place which I call home. And though its tough because deep inside my mind home still means India, I still have to know this is where I am most settled in right now. Maybe, some day I shall move back, but now I think I can allow myself the luxury of feeling upset about leaving my current home, Stockholm. Call it the Stockholm syndrome if you will.
Finally the weekend is here. I have successfully completed a week in Sweden. Its tough to imagine that exactly a week back I was in Bangalore, whizzing around in a car in shorts under the hot sun and 18 degrees with the air conditioning turned on maximum and loud music from the car stereo trying to drown out the traffic sounds. Tough to imagine now, sitting here (still in shorts though :P at least inside home) with minus ten degrees, a divine silence engulfing everything and snow all around. I had serious doubts if I will survive a week in Sweden, I almost thought that I will land at the airport take a look around, and head to the counter to finalize my trip back. But it was quite the contrary. I got completely awed by the beautiful snow. No, its not that nice to trudge through, and very unpleasant when it gets in your shoes and mixes with dirt to become a muddy mass at your apartment entrance. Its not nice when it settles at the tip of your nose and manages to give you a bad cold. But gotta admit, its still beautiful.
Weekend plans include badminton, a small party on Saturday and gadget shopping on Sunday. And if time permits, some more blogging!! Heres a toast to getting back to blogging :).. and to a fabulous weekend!
Ooo have a nice weekend..
ReplyDeleteIt snowed here in my town today ,it was 1st snowfall of the season here.Boss it was awesome i enjoyed it alott.......walked down on the road with friends and showered with the falling snow...
jolliiiessss:)
Crossroads will always be there...sometimes oblivious and at other times very obvious! :) I am going thru such a phase for the past few months!
ReplyDeleteHave a great weekend!
after 18 degrees, you are loving the snow..hmmm..
ReplyDeleteyou have a very eventful weekend planned up..
guys and gadgets! :)
@Escapist: Nice to know that you enjoy snow too. Its been snowing continuously in Sweden for a month now, and they say Feb is the coldest month, so the climax is yet to come...
ReplyDelete@ Jas: Its tough when you stick around at the crossroads for a long time, I am having the same experience, at the cross roads for a couple of months :(
@ Neha: there are gals as well at the weekend :)
And I will try to see if the iPad has made an appearance at the nearest store!
you speak so rightly when you say, you dont know how or when but it became ur home...the beauty of life is u never know what u truly feel or want till it suddenly sets in, out of nowhere... :)
ReplyDeleteHey, Merlin, Welcome back!! Well, Oslo had the cold wave in january... it was brutally cold and the worse part is it stayed that way for many days!! Right now we are saying it i summer here coz it's just -2!!
ReplyDeleteAs for your dilemma,I can truly relate to that except I really don't think I could move back to India..but for me it is even more complicated...I really don't know where I want to move...all I know when I get old I don't want to be stuck in an apartment for days for fear of stepping outside on the cold slippery roads and fracture my hip, like a lot of old people do!
Once you have lived a long time in a place it's like your heart gets divided and you want to be two places at the same time. Impossible dream:) But good luck with your decision making. Listen to your heart. It often tells you what's the best for you. You may not want to believe it. Good luck and look forward to more posts:)
Oh Merlin, bless your heart, and your life while we're at it, handing out blessings.
ReplyDeleteYou know, it is funny, when I read the post title I did think, "Oh, that poor man, again?" but not in an irritated way, more that clearly you are very, very torn about this decision, and I'm here to tell you, that's all right.
The only thing I would say is be very careful about making promises, particularly considering that this is clearly a very difficult decision for you. Promises tend to tie up the emotions of others and "I haven't decided yet, but I promise I'll let you know when I do." is a perfectly acceptable answer, even under pressure, and repeated if need be.
Do you know what "a love of obligation" is? I've come to wonder if that perhaps is what you feel towards India. You do genuinely love India, but it is tied up in the love of obligation. We are told we must love, treasure, and revere our culture of origin, no matter where we are from in this world. That's particularly prevalent in the U.S. also, it's really something I've noticed in people from India too, though.
In the states we are told, "This is the greatest country on the face of the Earth..." blah blah blah, supremacy-cakes. There comes a point when many people grow up, and start to realize, "I don't think that's true, at all. In fact, whoa, do we have problems here...." and the feeling becomes that we can never love the place as much as we are told we should. There is a resulting guilt with that.
I think that feeling is even more at the fore for people from India. It's unique, and as far as I can tell, not comparable to any place else.
When we have a love of obligation, often it feels as if, even though the love is very real, it is never at the level we are told we are obligated to feel...and that causes a lot of conflict.
Most of us run into the same thing with our families, they are the people we love most in the world, and it always feels a bit disloyal to note the flaws of those we love (as, I am sure, people noting our flaws sometimes feel disloyal).
I know I always ramble on here, but I do think that there is a reason that this decision is so complicated for you. This isn't a decision based in loyalty, although it must feel that way for you. You have to decide what is truly best for the course of your life, and the obligation that tugs at you doesn't mean you love your country any less.
To lovely something fully is to see it fully.
It is your life, the course of it. There's complexity to this issue, it's not a simple thing. But please know that whatever you decide, it doesn't call into question your love, or loyalty for your country, or your family. Those are givens. You're obviously a kind man, and I think that is part of what is tearing at you. Just remember to be kind to yourself also, and to make a decision based in what will give you the best surroundings for you.
If that is India? That's wonderful. If it is Stockholm? That's wonderful too. Somewhere else? Still wonderful.
Don't feel awkward about having difficulty in deciding what to do, or where to live. This isn't a decision akin to selecting an entree off of a menu. This is a big decision, and it's okay that it takes time. We only dither when we are still conflicted, and perhaps it is not possible to have little to none remaining when it is made. I do think you'll feel less torn when you do actually make the decision.
In the meantime, it's okay to stop, and consider for as long as you need to.
You were in shorts in an AC car in Bangalore. *sigh* NRIs! Next time you can be in shorts, but it's going to be on an Activa, non-AC of course. :P
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